Personal Breakthrough Coaching
801 783-4741
It is the inherent nature of human beings that compels us to strive to live better. Human Beings must have two things in order to live a prosperous life:
(1) We need to be productive and
(2) We need to feel joy, making our life easier
Don't aim at success - the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness [and love], cannot be pursued, it must ensue ...and, it only does as the unintended side-effect of one's personal dedication to a course greater than oneself.
~Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
(1) To Be Productive: We all want to do well and become more capable of achieving our desired results in life. Productivity is the key and an inherent human characteristic. Perhaps those desired results are what you have never quite been able to master. Maybe a voice or feeling inside has told you that you don't have the will or strength you need to succeed. Or, maybe you just don't know where to start.
You will learn many of the characteristics of top achievers and the mental maps that make them so successful. You'll be guided step-by-step through specific methodologies for learning and mastering the productive characteristics of high achievers. You'll learn to find and "follow your bliss," and become productive in what you love to do. Then, you will discover that success will enuse.
Follow Your Bliss ~ Joseph Campbell
(2) To Feel Joy: We need to love and be loved. Human Beings are social animals and find lasting joy only when we are physically and emotionally healthy. The mind and the body are not separate. Addictions and phobias are often temporary avoidances of the physical and emotional misalignments.
When you learn or, more accurately, "remember" how to be healthy in the body and mind, you will have healthy relationships that bring joy.
You will identify your personal values and learn behaviors to create the beliefs necessary to life in joy. You will be able to attach your values to your relationship with yourself and others.
You will have a one-hour visit in our office, over 8 to 12 weeks and, as a result, you are able to step into a productive, joyful life. AND, (here's the kicker) you'll have so much fun!!!
If you can relate to any of the following statements, call for an appointment:
"I can't get ahead in life"
"I don't make enough money"
"I can't lose weight"
"I am a victim of AADD or OCD"
"I am addicted to..."
"I have terrible credit; I'll never be able to..."
"I don't have the confidence to ..."
"I can't stand up and speak in front of a group of people"
"I hate my job"
"I have a fear of [flying]...."
"I am afraid of being alone"
"I am bad at relationships"
"I don't want to feel so angry"
"I can't stop smoking"
"I make a fool of myself when I..."
You do have a choice, and you already have all the resources you need to change. We naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. Sometimes we get confused by artificial or temporary pleasure that postpone inevitable pain. Let us show you how to access the resources of your neurological programming. You'll learn you can re-program your thoughts to create new neurological pathways that serve you. You can be a happy and fulfilled person. You can:
-
Live a healthy, joyful life and feel good
-
Find congruency in your physical, mental, and emotional alignment
-
Increase productivity
-
Be in charge of your own motivation
-
Create a compelling future and chart a personal life course to achieve it
-
Have close relationships and enhance persuasion skills
-
Clear-up negative experiences from the past that no longer serve you
-
Bolster self-appreciation, self esteem, and confidence
-
Access your peak performance and accomplishment
Click Here to Learn More About Our Most Frequently Requested Coaching Programs 
Questions
You cannot NOT answer a question
~Fritz Perls
Questions can help you become more self-aware. Are you where you live? Are you your job? Are you what you look like? The answers to these questions are only reflections of who you are to the outside world. But it's just that, a reflection of your inner self. To go below the surface, the questions need to be more meaningful.
“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.”
Getting What You Want: a 12-Step Program!
We are all familiar with traditional 12-Step Programs, made popular from the psychology and methodology behind Alcoholics Anonymous. Today there are 12-Step Programs for just about any addiction, habit, or obsession you want to eliminate from your life.
Here, I have developed a new spin on the program - 12 Steps to FORM A HABIT, rather than eliminate one! Let me explain. For years I've taught my clients to develop positive beliefs, values, behaviors, and skills. Then, I assist them in anchoring those serving behaviors. Once anchored, we practice them until they become involuntary. In other words, we develop a positive habit. I first started thinking of the spin when I read Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. The author talks about forming positive habits necessary to achieve one's desire. He calls it "Persistence: The Sustained Effort Necessary to Induce Faith," having a "Definite Plan, Expressed in Continuous Action." In other words, a habit! And, what better way to form a habit than by the proven 12-Step concept... just in reverse!
I developed the program, tested the hypotheses for proof of concept, and altered it numerous times until EUREKA! It works - only every time!
- Laney Nackos
Tips on Answering Questions
“He who finds himself, loses his misery.” - Matthew Arnold
Awareness is the first step in the creation process. As you grow in self awareness you will better understand why you feel what you feel and why you behave as you behave. That understanding then gives you the opportunity and freedom to change those things you’d like to change about yourself and create the life you want. Without knowing who you are, self acceptance and change become impossible.
Be As Specific As You Can
General answers will only give you a general sense of who you are. The more specific your answers, the more impact they'll have on your life and you'll have a much clearer picture of yourself. I can not emphasis this enough. Be specific. Be specific. Give specific answers. When you think you've been pretty specific, make it even more specific.
Questions, Not Judgments
Don't ask yourself these questions with a judgmental tone. They’re not accusations, or calls for you to defend yourself. They’re questions to help you discover who you are. Be honest, gentle, and nonjudgmental. No one has to see your answers. This is between you and you, and no one else.
Letting It Flow
If while answering the questions you come up with your own line of questioning, then definitely follow it. (You’re the expert here.) Also, if you answer, “I don’t know”, to any of the questions, give yourself the freedom to take a wild guess. The guess will allow you to continue. You know more than you think you do!
Be Totally Honesty
“We make our world significant
by the courage of our questions,
and the depth of our answers.” - Carl Sagan
Honesty leads to true awareness, but it requires courage. It’s the courage to face what you fear or find difficult to accept about you. When you summon the courage to take ownership of your actions, thoughts, and feelings, you will recover the blueprint of your life. You’ll be able to face your fears and find the inaccurate beliefs that created them.
When answering the questions on the next page, see if you are substituting rationalizations for your genuine feelings. Check inside and see if you are asking yourself “How SHOULD I feel?”, rather than “How do I really feel?”. Monitor if you are speculating intellectually about the answer, rather than getting in touch with what you are thinking or feeling.
Know that in the past you had reasons for being dishonest and that those reasons may no longer be useful or serve you. Know whatever you discover about yourself, you can handle with ease and acceptance. Trust that the information you uncover will in some way lead to a greater sense of peace about yourself. That the answers to the questions will take you by the hand, and lead you to where you want to go.
Becoming honest is an act of self renewal. What a sense of freedom you’ll feel when you’re able to admit to yourself...”I want this, or think this, or feel this because I’m afraid that...[fill in the blank]. This is the first step toward discovering hidden fears. What a wonderful place to know where you are! It’s difficult to reach a destination, when you don’t even know where you’re starting. You need only to gather your courage and look for your beliefs you have about yourself and your world. The rewards of doing so will lead you to places of happiness you never knew existed.
Self Awareness Questions
“Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment.”
- Tao Tzu
“Who are you when no one else is around?”
This page is filled with questions. I’ve divided the questions into the following categories: Social, Emotinal, Significant Relationship, Spiritual/Ethical, Financial, Career, Personal, and Personal Identities. They’re worded in a way to help you get a more acturate picture of who you are. Clarity is the goal here, but remember, have fun with the questions. This isn’t intended to be a struggle! Make sure to read tips on answering questions first.
What type of people do I enjoy spending time with?
(intelligent, open-minded, out-going, self-righteous, reflective, quiet, funny, a bit sad, optimists, readers, pessimists, thinkers, sports-minded, active, perceptive, debaters, joke-tellers, etc.)
Why do I enjoy those specific qualities in people?
Do I seek out people similar as I, or different from me? Why is that?
Do I have many friends as I just described? Why or why not?
How many close friends do I want based on the amount of time I have?
What would those close relationships look like? What would be the biggest aspects? (talking, shared activities, working on projects together, laughter, storytelling, playing games, etc.)
What are two of the most favorite things I enjoy doing with others?
Where have I met most of the friends I currently have?
(family, work, community, childhood, online, etc.)
What does where I met these friends tell me about myself?
Why am I still friends with those people?
What is the single biggest attitudinal change I’d like to make when with people? (be more myself, be more out-going, be more honest, initiate more conversations, be more comfortable, be more open, be funnier, interrupt less, initiate more activities, etc.)
List three situations and/or times when you were the most happy in your life. Specific instances...What elements were present when I felt that way? How was I feeling about myself during those times?
What do I fear most in my life right now? Why? What would it mean if that happened?
When do I feel the most angry or frustrated? What is it about those situations that I feel that way?
What is my definition of love? (not Webster’s)
What are my primary beliefs about love? (it’s easy, scary, short-lived, feels good, not possible, difficult, etc.) Where/when did I acquire those beliefs? Do I still believe them? Why or why not?
Do I have much control over my emotions? Why or why not?
What emotions do I want to feel most of the time?
If NOT currently in a marriage/life partnership/relationship
What specific characteristics do I want my ideal life partner to possess? (generosity, open-mindedness, funny, gentle, strong personality, quiet, organized, similar beliefs about politics, finances, parenting, etc, fun, honest, similar goals, attractive, playful, out-going, etc.)
Why do I want them to have those characteristics?
How would I feel if I never had a life partner? Why would I feel that way?
If currently in a marriage/life partnership/relationship
Am I happy in my current relationship? Why or why not?
What is the biggest problem I see in the relationship?
In what way would I like my partner to change? Why is that important to me?
Could I be happy if that person did not change? Why or why not?
What did I appreciate about this person when I first met/knew them?
What do I appreciate about them now?
Why are those qualities important to me?
What is the single biggest attitudinal change I could make that would enhance this relationship?
Do I believe in god? If not, how do I believe the universe operates? Why do I believe that?
How has my childhood effected my beliefs about God/or lack there of?
What characteristics do I believe God possesses? Why do I believe that?
What is my relationship with this God/Universe?
Is it the relationship I want? Why or why not?
In what way does my spiritual beliefs effect my day-to-day life?
Do I have a code of conduct that I follow? If no, do I want one? Why or why not? If yes, what is it and why those codes?
What beliefs did I “take on” from my parents in regards to money? (it's difficult to get, it's scarce, you should only have so much, it's easy to make, having it /not having it says something about me, live for the moment, give it away, I'll never have enough, it's a secret, saving is important, etc)
What does money mean/represent to me?
(security, aliveness, freedom, love, peace of mind, etc)
Do I feel peaceful or anxiety in regards to money?
Why do I feel that way about it?
How much money do I feel I deserve to make a year? Why that amount?
What would it mean to me if I made more or less than that amount? Why do I believe that?
What types of things did I enjoy doing as a child? (building things, drawing, sports, writing, solving puzzles, being with animals, my chemistry set, organizing games, talking, anything physical, playing house, cowboys and Indians, etc) Do I do anything today that has similar qualities to it?
How do I currently earn my livelihood? How did I come to be so employed?
What was present during the times I loved my work?
What were the elements present in those situations?
Am I currently doing the type of work I love to do?
If not, what type of work would I like to do?
If yes, what would have to change for me to enjoy it more?
What attitudinal change could I make to enjoy it more?
What has stopped me so far from pursuing the type of work I love? Do I want to continue allowing that to stop me? What could I do to change that?
What is my definition of success? (not Webster’s) that?
What skills have I acquired that I'm proud of?
What accomplishments am I proud of?
Beginning when I was a child, what are the 10 most significant events in my life? Why did I make them significant?
What period of my life do I like most? Why?
What period of my life do I like least? Why?
What are five of my greatest strengths?
What do I desire most right now? Why do I desire that?
If I was to receive an award, what would I want that award to be for? Why that?
If I was to pick out a general theme that showed up often while answering these questions, what would that theme be? What does it mean? How do I feel about that?
In addition to asking yourself questions, you may also want to investigate your personal definitions of common words. I know when I went through this process of self awareness, I found I only had a very general sense of the meaning of words. It wasn’t until I came up with my own precise and specific definitions, that their meaning became clear. Although my definitions were not that drastically different from the dictionary’s, the words had more impact on my life once I defined them myself.
What is YOUR definition of the following words?
|
love |
|
|
|
success |
|
|
|
honesty |
|
|
|
happiness |
|
|
|
soul |
|
|
|
true |
|
|
|
acceptance |
|
|
|
inner peace |
|
|
|
trust |
|
|
|
Appreciation |
|
|
|
knowing |
|
|
|
believe |
|
|
|
reality |
|
|
|
fear |
|
|
|
joy |
|
|
|
judgment |
|
|
|
anger |
|
|
|
mistake |
|
|
|
sex |
|
|
|
friend |
|
|
|
guilt |
|
|
|
intention |
|
|
|
responsibility |
|
|
|
myself |
|
|
Think of the questions as being in layers. Each level or layer of questioning takes you closer and closer to the “core of your being.”
Example of Layers
What type of people do I enjoy spending time with?
Well...they have to be open-minded people. I really enjoy their company.
Why do I enjoy being with open-minded people?
Because then I can explore lots of different ideas. I enjoy searching for answers. And if they’re open-minded, the exploration can go anywhere!
What do I mean by “exploration can go anywhere”?
I mean I can investigate all the big questions in life like...Why are we here or where do emotions come from?
How does being with open-minded people assist me in exploring those questions?
Well...if they’re open-minded they won’t make fun of my ideas.
Why is it important to me that people not make fun of my ideas?
Because it feels like my ideas are. well...me. I don’t like being made fun of.
Why don’t I like being made fun of?
Because then I feel shitty about myself.
Why would I feel shitty about myself if people made fun of me?
Because they’re not accepting me for who I am!
Why do I feel shitty if others don’t accept me for who I am?
Because it means I’m not OK.
How does others not accepting me mean I’m not okay?
Hmmmm.... I guess it doesn't have to mean that.
As you can see, the further down in the questioning process you go, the more you can tap into why you do what you do and who you are. It will take time for you to go through all the questions if you keep digging down each layer. Feel free to refer back to this example when answering the questions.
Be Selfish In Love
“Love is the only rational act.” - Levine
Who comes first, you or your relationship? Although answering “the relationship” may sound honorable and based on a deep level of love and commitment, its an unhealthy and destructive way to live. It is only when you can honor and love yourself first, that the relationship can be a truly loving one and not one based on need, dependency, fear, or insecurities. When each partner comes to the relationship whole, the relationship becomes an enhancement of your life and not life itself.
Most of you have flown on an airplane. Have you ever wondered why they tell you to put your OWN mask on first, before you help your child? Seems kinda selfish, doesn’t it? I mean, we’ve been taught that the ultimate in love is self sacrifice, right? Why do these airlines tell us to save ourselves first?!? There’s a practical reason they instruct you to do this. Think about it. How can you help someone when you’re unconscious or struggling for breath?
Love is similar to that air mask. You can’t fully love another unless you love yourself FIRST. Strap that air mask on good and tight, and you can love an endless amount. If you don’t love yourself first, you have no love to give. If you truly put yourself first in love, nurture yourself, honor what you want, and make YOUR happiness the number one priority, you are better equipped to love others. Love deeper. We love others to the degree we love ourselves.
And as I've said, part of loving one’s self is accepting (being okay with) who we are. Consequently, we love to the degree we’re happy. While we are unhappy and attending to our fears, we are not loving. The self is always crying out for acceptance. When we deny ourselves that acceptance, life gets twisted. Our attention gets sucked into a void inside ourselves, leaving nothing left to give to another.
What Is Love?
“When you look at love, you're looking into the face of appreciation.”
Throughout the history of mankind, we as a world culture have made love out to be mysterious, complex, difficult, and indefinable. It’s the subject of endless poems and literary works. There is an enormous amount of material available out there about love, a lot of it contradictory.
We’ve been given the impression that to define love is near to impossible. Maybe there’s a fear that if we define it, it would somehow be less powerful...less impactful...less exhilarating. Maybe we like the mystery of it. But is it really that complicated? Perhaps the complications surrounding love come from all “stuff” we add on to this powerful emotion. Lets drop all the baggage surrounding relationships and define what it is we are experiencing in the moment of love.
Basic Components of Love
What do you feel when you love someone? If distilled down to it’s core components, what would those be? Yes, love is an emotion, a feeling, a wanting, and a “being”. We know it feels good, but what specific feelings, wanting, and beings are present when we feel love? Here are the common denominators of love...
Love is Accepting.
Acceptance is labeling someone as "okay" and having no particular desire to change them. Who they are is perfectly fine with you. You pose no condition on whether you will love them or not. This is call unconditional love. When your love IS conditional, the moment they step outside your set of conditions, love evaporates.
Love is Appreciating.
Appreciation is one step beyond acceptance. Its when your focus is on what you like about another. We look at them and feel this sweeping appreciation for who they are, their joy, their insights, their humor, their companionship, etc. When someone says they are "in love" with another, they mean their appreciation is so enormous for this person that it consumes their every thought.
Love is Wanting Another to Feel Good.
We want those we love to be happy, safe, healthy, and fulfilled. We want them to feel good in all ways, physically, mentally and emotionally.
We don’t always express our love. Love is a feeling and the expression of that feeling is separate. It’s an action. There’s a practical reason we don’t always express our love for another. It’s an issue of TIME. We only have 24 hours in a day (if you make it up that way). If the expression of love was a core ingredient to love, we would have to be stingy with who we loved, because there simply wouldn’t be enough time to demonstrate our love for everyone! If you see the distinction between the feeling and the expression, you can then love endless numbers of people.
Attention
Love expressed is when you give your attention, your time, your focus to someone. Webster defines attention as “the giving of one’s mind to something."
There are many ways in which we give our attention to another. We use our five senses. Our ears to listen. Being completely present with the one who is speaking. Our eyes, watching another, undivided attention. Tasting/smelling? (I’ll let you figure that one out). Touching, giving a hug, holding a hand, a caress, or sexual expression. How you express your love depends on the type of relationship.
Is Love Painful?
“The pain associated with relationships has more to do with fear, than love.”
Who hasn't experienced the pain of love? Or is it the pain of rejection? The pain of self doubt? The pain of fear? It's important to distinguish between love and totally separate feelings.
When it comes to pain surrounding love, we're more likely referring to the “add-ons” of love. The love baggage, we might call it. For some reason, many people assume negative emotions are a part or element of love. But experientially we know this isn't true.
Love is not painful, it feels incredible. The pain and hurt we feel doesn’t come from love, it comes from our doubts, fears, anxiety, perceived rejections, broken trusts, anger, jealousy, envy, etc. So why do we as a culture lump all those other feelings in with love?
Perhaps its because we feel these uncomfortable emotions most often in association with our love relationships. Our primary relationships are important to us, so we assume these doubts and fears are all part of the loving experience. But is this really true?
When we are fearful, angry, anxious, unhappy, or jealous, are we truly experiencing a state of love? They sure feel different, don't they? Love feels warm, open, joyous and filled with a deep sense of appreciation. Pain steps into a love relationship when you switch it from a "wanted relationship," into a "needed relationship." You don't NEED any one relationship. Want? Yes. Need? No.
If you go into a relationship not feeling terribly good about yourself, you're more likely to become dependent on your partner to help you feel good about yourself. If we felt empty before they appeared in our lives, we fear the emptiness returning if they leave, so their staying with us becomes paramount. That dependency can create all kinds of fear and unhappiness when there's a perceived threat to you staying together.
If we aren’t giving ourselves the acceptance we crave, we look to those around us to provide it for us. Again, none of this has a thing to do with the love you feel, but everything to do with the fear you feel.
If you really want to remove the love baggage of fear and unhappiness, the first step is to improve your self identity and self acceptance.
Is What I'm Feeling Infatuation or Love?
Red Flag Thoughts:
“You are my life. I can't live without you.”
There are some feelings we have when infatuated that we don’t have when we’re feeling love. Some of the “symptoms” of infatuation are; feelings of panic, uncertainty, overpowering lust, feverish excitement, impatience, and/or jealously.
When infatuated, we are thrilled, but not happy, wanting to trust, yet suspicious. There are lingering, nagging doubts about our “partner in infatuation” and their love for us. We’re miserable when they’re away, almost like we’re not complete unless we’re with them. It’s a rush and it’s intense. It’s difficult to concentrate. And most infatuation relationships have a high degree of sexual charge around them. Somehow being with them is not complete unless in ends in some type of sexual encounter.
Do any of these “symptoms” resemble feelings of love? Hardly. So why do we become infatuated? Where does it come from? Perhaps it’s biological.
When infatuated we experience a surge of dopamine that rushes through the brain causing us to feel good. Norepinephrine flows through the brain stimulating production of adrenaline (pounding heart). Phenylethalimine (found in chocolate) creates a feeling of bliss. Irrational romantic sentiments may be caused by oxytocin, a primary sexual arousal hormone that signals orgasm and feelings of emotional attachment. Together these chemicals sometimes override the brain activity that governs logic.
The body can build up tolerances to these chemicals so it takes more of the substance to get that special feeling of infatuation. People who jump from relationship to relationship may be craving the intoxicating effects of these substances and may be “infatuation junkies”.
When the chemical flood dries up, the relationship either moves into a loving romantic one or there is disillusionment, and the relationship ends.
Different Types of Love Relationships
“The experience of love is the same, what changes are our preferences.”
We establish relationships with many different types of people. Our family members, neighbors, co-workers, friends, spouses, significant others, etc. We've been taught that the love is different depending on who we're loving. We even have different names for it such as Agape for spiritual love and Eros for sexual love.
The emotion of love is the same regardless of who you feel it for. You want them to be happy, you accept them as they are, and you appreciate some aspect(s) about them. So if love is the same, why does it feel so different depending on who you love?
The distinctions in the loving experience are apparent when we look at how we express our love. The emotions are the same, but how we express and the degree in which we express it are different depending on who we are loving. You may want to spend more time with your friends than your family members. You might enjoy different activities with your co-workers than you do with your spouse.
When and how we express love is determined by preferences. You may prefer to spend more time with someone who is outgoing, rather than quiet, or more serious rather than silly. You may be more physically attracted to someone who is short rather than tall, or older rather than younger. There are an endless number of qualities that we might prefer over others. And those preferred qualities determines who, when, how, and to what degree we express our love.
The focus of this site is on romantic relationships, since this seems to be the area of most interest and concern. This is not surprising since these are the people who we’re choosing to share most of our lives.
What is Romantic Love?
A romantic relationship is one where you have a deep feeling of connection to the other person. You accept them as they are, want them to feel good, and deeply appreciate who they are. They fit in with most of your preferences in a life partner, i.e.; personality, life goals, beliefs and value systems, etc. One of the ways you desire to express your love for them through your sexuality. Sex is the one key element that distinguishes a romantic relationship from all other types.
Great, all that sounds wonderful, but why is there so much pain in these types of relationships?
CLICK HERE to go: Back To Training Courses
